One of life’s major skills is apparently the ability to make quick decisions. Just bloody decide. Unless you are cutting a wire on a ticking bomb, what the hell does it matter?
Should you shoot down a hijacked plane with people onboard if it prevents it from crashing into a major city? You could call me on my mobile in the women’s pyjama department of M&S and I could give you an answer INSTANTLY.
But it turns out I wouldn’t then be able to choose a pair of pyjamas. Nothing to do with having just killed a planeload of people rather too hastily due to an innocent bearded man leaving his seat, but because M&S make violence-inducing pyjamas.
The Deranged range mostly has Tatty Teddy on it. Tatty isn’t so much tatty as almost dead. He’s got stitches like Frankenstein’s Monster’s all over him. I always rather sexistly wondered if Dr F’s monster had absurdly big stitches between his head and neck because Dr F was crap at sewing. I imagined his hemming must be appalling but having seen Tatty’s surgeon’s work, I realise Dr F was pretty good.
Tatty even has a spine problem on one of the pyjama tops and is engulfed in a giant snowflake. Sometimes he has tartan love hearts coming out of his head like thought bubbles and sometimes he’s asleep on a red polka dot cushion with the caption ‘Dreaming of you’. I don’t want him to dream of me. I don’t want to be infantilised by my pyjamas. Tis the season to be jolly but a snowman with a gingham scarf? Snowmen don’t barn dance.
I did a gig in Bridlington recently and the donkeys giving rides up and down the beach looked so sad I wondered if I could buy their freedom or claim I needed them to work in my factory (I’d been watching Schindler’s List). Donkeys are cute but I still don’t want a pyjama top with a giant E for Eeyore on. What is it with women’s pyjamas and animals that are a bit thick or injured? At least if the animals were bolder with more purpose – King Kong or shagging rabbits or banned dogs.
M&S also have a Poncey range. The Autograph range. Ooooh, maybe the designer has signed them. The website shows a very tall woman in a black satiny judo suit type thing with white piping on the sleeves. She looks good – sophisticated, chic, assertive..I tried them on and looked like a stunted bell-boy/end. The website and the label on them does state very categorically they are part of their exclusive range. Exclusive? Who exactly is being excluded? Who has been told they must await authorisation? I don't like being patronised by my pyjamas.
I’d been in M&S for what seemed like an eternity pleading with myself to just fucking decide, questioning whether I genuinely might have a meltdown. I gave myself 40 seconds to choose or just forget it. I finally grabbed something..from their Shagging range. It’s M&S shagging so it’s really the ‘bit lacy, not overly racy, can go in washing machine at any temperature’ range. The colour is quite muted and my flat gets quite warm so it’s practical. Jesus, I cant believe I'm justifying my choice..