Sunday, 19 September 2010

Taking the piss

I'm a regular person, toilet-wise at least. I have no need for weird products like Dulco Ease with women on ads being cagey about what the actual problem is or the product's for. "Things in the bathroom" the twit in the neck scarf says eerily. Huh? Oh you mean the psychopath behind the shower curtain!

So many ads for things aimed at women are bad rip-off's of Sex and The City but with the women being coy, overly excitable arseholes. Aside from anything, don't men need Dulco Ease? In these ads even pooing is an excuse for a mock gender war; at the end of the ad one of the women mentions getting rid of a pain so then her friend quips that she's better off without HIM. HIM! Get it? Not it, but HIM. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT A BOYFRIEND!! Then they all laugh like it's the funniest thing ever with their mouths wide open and their eyes shut like they haven't a care in the world - yeah, except she couldn't even say 'constipation' so it doesn't bode well for "things in the bedroom" "things at work" or "things" at all.

But anyway, regular, regular, regular, that's me and also the size of coffee I have at Costa. Drinking coffee, along with standing in bookshops, makes me need to go to the loo again and FAST! Sorry for this detail, despite my hate of the Dulco-Ease lady and wanting women to call it like it is, I'm not a fan of huge scatterlogical detail. Though I am chuffed I used scatterlogical in a sentence cos for ages I thought it just meant something to do with general untidiness.

My mother does scatterlogical detail big time (No time to explain this unless you have a couch I can lie on.). When I see my parents I am subjected to UKIP opinions from dad (an immigrant himself) and a 'pooing report' from my mother. Neither listens to the other properly and mention of Yakult's probiotic culture is likely to get Dad irate that Britain should have only one culture.

So after going to Costa today, I used the loo in Hammersmith Broadway, where the tube station is. I got my 30p ready to go through the turnstile thing and saw it said '50p'. FIFTY! FIVE-OH. You can buy a whole new kidney for that in..(insert place to offend). I don't wanna get all Victor Meldrew on your ass but come on (Eileen). This would have been the one and only time I could have staged a dirty protest. I didn't. Obviously. But i couldn't help myself saying something facetious (faecitious!?? sorry, this isnt turning into the social comment blog I envisaged) about hoping the toilets were made of gold.

At that particular moment in time I would have paid £1 cos i really needed to go, but how can the price jump from 30p to 50p? How can the cost of going to the toilet have gone up so much in 2 weeks? Is this a result of quantitative easing? Or Dulco-easing now fewer women are constipated?

I'm getting a receipt next time. I considered writing a letter of complaint but life might be too short and even if I got a reply it would be bollocks about the recession. I did a gig last year that I had in my diary as paying £100 in a gay nightclub on a rough estate in East London. The day before the gig, the person who booked me said it was only £50. When i queried it, she said it was because the pink pound had plummeted. Really? My gay friends assure me the 'whoopsie index' has not fallen that far.


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