Wednesday, 9 February 2011

From rage to middle age

I could never be a suicide bomber.

I have numerous backpacks. Am I being retro? Do they still use backpacks? One of the London bombers had a Fitness First one. I wonder if his gym membership was up yet. Did he want to look buff for the virgins? Wouldn't a Virgin Active backpack have been more appropriate?

If you truly believe you are doing heroic work, isn't that its own reward or could David Cameron sell Big Society better if there were virgins, albeit re-conditioned ones? If suicide bombers are doing it for the 'minge benefits' (have i just become a teenage boy??) they should just go to a Justin Bieber concert and see how he gets millions of virgins screamimg for him (although the music might make the bombers kill themselves anyhow).

I'm asking too many questions here and not answering them - it's too Sex and The City as a style, I'm even using a MacBook. Shit, now product placement, just like the second, dreadful shameful film that makes women look like idiots. It shouldn't, but women, like Muslims all get lumped into one group by some people. This is about suicide bombers.

Anyway, no, I couldn't be a suicide bomber. Yes, I have the rucksacks and an array of wheely suitcases (for the suicide bomber with back pain) that have lifetime guarantees (that can be sadly cut short). Yes, I have the occasional bout of fury, last spotted in the post office this afternoon when the stamp machine wouldn't take my 50p and that gormless man on the poster annoyed me. Only the UK could have a bumbling man who looks like he has never heard of female orgasms or the internet as the poster boy for the national mail distribution network. I couldn't be a suicide bomber cos I lack the focus and the dedication. I admire these qualities, I once went to an afternoon's "Break the habit of procrastination" workshop (was a work thing). The 'trainer' congratulated us on 'making it to the workshop'. We all did sarcastic laughs then she said to stop being perfectionists and just do it. Good advice, especially for the creepy bloke who said he had taken 7 years to choose a new TV. I admire suicide bombers for just doing it. Perhaps I could have done it in my 20's. I was angrier and more spontaneous then.

In Central London there are tons of newsagents that sell souvenir postcards, including one I still find pretty horrible but in my 20's it enraged me; it is a photo of naked boobs that have been drawn on with marker pen on so they look like mice (the nipple's the nose etc) and it says something like 'squeak, squeak'. So i would go in the newsagent's and choose tons of magazines, soft drinks, chocolate bars, pens, maybe ask for lots of packets of fags..shit loads of stuff piled on the counter, then just as I was about to pay, I'd casually ask, "Do you sell those cards?" They'd say "Yes", then I'd say "WELL THEY'RE DEMEANING TO WOMEN, I'M NOT GONNA BUY ANY OF THIS NOW!" and storm out.

I bloody loved it but did it help? And this is the thing with suicide bombing; it may be 'admirable' but the 'middle-aged' (i'm not sure i need the inverted commas) me sees it as just petulant. If swearing is seen as having a limited vocabulary (is it?) what about suicide bombers?

OXBRIDGE WANKER DEBATING BOFFIN-TYPE: ..and that concludes why I believe A-levels should henceforth be made harder.



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